Friday, January 30, 2004

Let me tell you a story....

She was a private eye. Julie Schieffer could take on any case offered her in the cruel and gloomy city of downtown Orgathops. But she could not handle the news of what was coming to her next.
"A giant... robot... penguin," she bellowed to her trusted assistant, Mr. McLaughlin.
"Ah, not quite," he said. "It's quite a marvel. They've genetically engineered this penguin to escape reality's sense of scale. It is any size it wants to be."
"Get to the point," Julie said, taking an impatient drag on her cigarette. "What can a private eye in Leslie Square do about a giant penguin?"
"As you know," McLaughlin explained, "we in the advanced city of Orgathops have discovered the very roots of reality. You must find those who have been manipulating reality to create this giant penguin."
"Any leads?"
"Just one," McLaughlin confirmed. "This guy."
McLaughlin tossed her a photo of a dumpy looking guy in a moustache and blue jeans, along with his business card.
Julie read from the business card, "Paul Totem's Reality Reconstruction. Reality Altered While-U-Wait. Is this a joke?""
McLaughlin mourned, "A very cruel joke indeed. If this man thinks he can alter reality for the common man..."
Julie lept from her desk. "I'm on it," she said, throwing away her cigarette. "Make me a pick-me-up for the car. We're going to meet this man." She gestured vaguely towards McLaughlin. "And... how do you connect this guy to the penguin?"
"He... likes penguins. He told me... when we were friends in first grade."
"Excellent," she droned, sarcastically. "An attachment. Get the door, will ya?"
McLaughlin sighed as he picked up the cigarette from the floor, tossed it in the garbage, and opened the door. Julie strutted outside into the rainy night on her way to another silly adventure...

Well, how was that? Stay tuned for part 2 of Leticia's giant penguin story.

...which I'll write right now.

"He always dreamed of having his own giant penguin shop," McLauglin explained. "He'd tell me, 'have you seen a giant penguin lately? 'Cause I'd sure love to have one o' them creatures...' Adults would tell him that there was no such thing as a giant penguin, but he couldn't believe them. It was too important to him to imagine himself protected under the wing of a gargantuan fuzzy penguin."
Julie was asleep.
"Julie, wake up! We're about to hit the warping hole!"
"Whaaaa?" Julie said, with a jump, just before the car dissappeared into an intersection.
As the car made its way through the eternal nothingness, advertisements for beer and cola floated by them. "This here is the Cosmic Interstate," McLaughlin explained. "It is a space between moments. It technically should not exist; it is itself a logical conundrum, borne of human fiddling around with reality to the point where mathematical paradoxes became actual locations. Having nothing else to do with a giant void in space, the government sold it to the beer companies for advertising space. Pretty, isn't it?"
A holographic man in a Budweiser shirt caressed a disinterested Julie's shoulders. "Just fine. Tell this guy to keep it up."
"Ah, be careful with the Holographic Beer Men," he said. "They threaten to take you into the-- Julie? Julie!"
Julie's eyes closed with pleasure as she was sucked into the beer man's body, taking her away to the forbidden Beer Dimension.

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