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Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I look at the popular girls and think oh, they have a future, I’m just lying here and whittling away my present while I wonder what the future holds. But no, the future holds jack-shit, I’m just going to be crunching numbers in classes I don’t care about with teachers who are incompetent and I’ll be wondering if I’m some kind of slut whore for putting my sexual fantasies on the internet, yeah, you know, like the ones where I’m put through meat grinders and porn machines and all sorts of denizens of my imagination. And you know that I’ve had unbearably low self-esteem all my life, and that I practically ask the universe permission whenever I want to speak to anybody or make myself obvious. I should just put a veil over my face and designate myself meaningless. No more Leticia, just empty space.

It takes every bit of strength to be proud of who I am now. Now I know, at the back of my mind, lurks a secret that anybody I know could find this blog, recognize me, and suddenly have a window into all of my private fantasies. It’s none of their business, and yet I keep doing it, keep doing it because I need to find some way to say I am sexual, I am not a dud, I can think and fuck for myself and oh yeah, I get E-mails from guys wanting to have sex with me, because I’m just that great.

But all I’ve been doing is pedaling backwards. I’ve met some wonderful people here, but for the most part, I’m more befuddled about my own sexuality than when I started. I can’t even open my pants to have a good fantasy without wondering how this affects the larger scheme of things, and if so, will it make good material for my blog?

I don’t even know what I want to write here. It all seemed so simple when this was just a little blog that nobody could find unless they clicked on the “recently updated” links at random moments. Now I actually have readers, and woah... I better share with them some deep thoughts. Not that I have any. Sadly, most of what I think about is masturbation. And sometimes Sonic.

So I’d like to continue writing extensive stories about bizarre sexual fantasies, but my stomach ain’t up to it. I just don’t have the bravery or the constitution to keep this blog up. It means everything to me that I have a place to share my thoughts, but at the same time, I’d like to return to being everyday old Leticia and work out my feelings from there.

So, I need a break. Thank you very much for reading my blog, and hopefully I’ll be back soon. Maybe I’ll even finish that silly story I was writing about the private eye. Bye-bye.
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