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Saturday, February 21, 2004

I met with my mentor and exchanged a lot of personal stuff. It's really difficult, because I love her and she loves me but she really needs me, and so I feel like I have to perform for her, be the best Leticia I can for her, and make her proud. Normally, when a role model is this emotionally entrenched in me, I reject them as a defense mechanism, but I happen to get along with her and think we are really similar people and there's a vein of emotional energy that runs between us.

I discovered we both have a lot of unresolved issues... but mainly the same unresolved issues, which is why we get along so well despite her being twice my age. Beyond that, I'm mature for my age and she's immature for hers, and so our relationship doesn't feel all that... mentorly.

I don't know, I'd like to believe I'm past the point where I need a mother figure (I broke it to her that I needed a mother figure from her, and she said that's exactly what she wanted to be for me); but if you look at my drawings, motherhood appears again and again, including the most recent/pathetic drawing: tall, broad-shouldered mentor woman holding baby Leticia in one hand, between her boobs as baby Leticia is certain that this is where the universe begins and ends.

(I also drew myself in the palm of somebody's hand. I'm not sure. Of course, if somebody informed me of a good image server, I'd be able to show y'all....)

Yeah, okay, I need her to see me naked. Okay, I am dead serious about this. If I can get over my body issues, I need an adult woman like her to approve of me in the all. I had all these dreams about it with my _last_ mentor (who was much more with it, but much less dependable), and, well, I just want to be naked, in the forest, gripping her leg, while she tells me all the secrets of womanhood... yeahyeahyeah...

But it would mean _everything_ to me if we could be naked together, somewhere, like at a nude beach, because I've wanted to shed my material trappings for quite a long time but never quite gotten over the fact that I have, and always have, kept myself emotionally distant from my parents. (Case in point: I really really really wish I could walk around the house naked.)

There. I said it. I'm a freak. Now leave me alone.

(okay, the dream in particular about my last mentor involved the two of us using some shower facility, with me in the bathroom stall and her in the shower stall, and I was naked for some reason [as it always goes in dreams] and I really really really wanted to stay that way so she could see me in the all, but no, a shirt materialized on my body and I was too ashamed to take it off. I just about died under the emotional strain. Oh, also, in the dream, I felt younger, like maybe about ten years old. Golly gee, I have a backlog of a girlhood to catch up on. I don't really feel like talking about my childhood here, but rest assured, it sucked.)
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