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Friday, February 13, 2004

Quick political analysis:

Some of you may be wondering why Bush's "war war war" re-election strategy is circling the drain. Permit me to offer my two cents:

Take a look at the State of the Union address. He backs up the war in Iraq, feebly saying that the war in terror must continue lest our job be unfinished (and we all know quite well he's bailing out anyway). He veers straight into the economy, telling us how great it's going, but everybody knows it's in the crapper and those who support Bush blame it on Clinton (riiiiiight). Then Bush bolted towards Clinton-era hard-right nonsense, like abstinence education and an amendment banning gay marriage, before high-tailing it into the supposedly safe territories of SPORTS. As you can see, Bush has absolutely no plan "B" in case Iraq imploded, and he's not quite sure if he's hard-right or right-of-left-of-center or upside-down-to-the-front-left-knee-in-the-head. He's lost, and the deer-in-the-headlights expression has finally caught up to him.

Recap: Karl Rove's big strategy was (A) steal the election (more insidious than the butterfly ballots were the hundreds of thousands of black voters with their names scrubbed from the rolls in Florida by independent contractors; black Floridians are overwhelmingly Democratic) (B) sit on Clinton's plans to attack al Qaeda (C) start lots and lots of bloody wars, with was helpfully facilitated by al Qaeda attacking the World Trade Center (wonder how that coulda happened on Rumsfeld's watch? Oh yeah, he was COMPLETELY IGNORING THEM) (D) Terrorism, terrorism, terrorism, 9/11, and God Bless America. Repeat. The re-election is yours.

(Since I made so many egregrious statements here, I'm'a state my sources: The Best Democracy Money Can Buy, by Greg Palast, offered a detailed exposé of Bush stealing the election in the book's first chapter. Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them, by comedian Al Franken, has a chapter on what he called Rumsfeld's "Operation Ignore." Finally, everybody knows the Bush administration has been refusing to hand information over to the 9/11 commission and is censoring their reports; and you gotta admit, that's pretty fishy.)

But something happened; there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. No biggie, find some tractor-trailers and pass them off as the harbinger of civilization's end. The media was primed by the Clinton Wars and the 2000 election to believe whatever the Right says, anyway. But then, in an amazing turn of fate, people are starting to wonder why, if Bush supports the troops, is he sending them in droves to their deaths? Why aren't we seeing pictures or reports of the soldiers who have died, to honor them for their service? Why is the media pounding the drums for a war that is killing our youngest and poorest while making the Middle East crises worse?

(keep in mind that I cannot speak for the American public; I'm making educated guesses, but rather hopeful ones. I'm so out of touch with the slouching-and-eating-cheese-doodles-while-cheering-O'Reilly American population that I wouldn't know a Nacho Cheesier from a Ranch Extreme-o.)

And then the big words came down: International Cooperation. Yeah, yeah, Bush gave the UN the middle finger, and we need their help to clean up Iraq. Why the hell is the US in this war when the Iraqi people, who were supposed to be cheering us as liberators, are deriding us as invaders? If your small, poor, proud country had just lost it's brutal dictator to one who was even worse (yes, Bush has been worse for Iraq than Saddam, and that's pretty freaking bad), wouldn't you see little choice but to rise up and defend your nation? And if your a poor soldier who has been duped into serving your country with the promise of college money, wouldn't you see no choice but to defend yourself from those who would attack you? When you think of this hopeless double-bind, it makes you wonder who set up this mess, and why it's such a convenient distraction from American oil companies illegally making off with Iraq's spoils.

Well, Bush set up this mess, and the public is becoming increasingly aware that a pre-emptive strike was neither useful nor just. So, we better veer into the economy... oh, shit, it's a disaster! Well, then, we'll talk about abstinence education-- oh, shit, our pregnancy rate is astronomical! Well, then, we'll just go into gay marriage--WHAT?! Americans are embracing TOLERANCE? What do you mean the government has no business appointing people's families?! Well, then, we'll just make a last-minute dash into SPORTS. Hah! That's the ticket! Deride steroids and be sure to include that unforgettable Clinton-era mantra: "What will we tell the Cheeeildren?"

And, as hard as they tried to make you not believe it, everybody hated the Clinton Wars. I can't imagine a single person who thinks a 200-person FBI investigation was necessary for a blowjob. Uh oh, this just in--a NIPPLE has been PARTIALLY SIGHTED... ON NETWORK TELEVISION! What will we tell the Cheeeildren?! I mean, we certainly can't have children actually knowing what goes on down underneath the bra! Soon we might have to start.... breastfeeding! EEEEK!

Away, to the Right-mobile! Once we initiate Operation: Deride the Boob, we will bounce back with a vengeance! Once we paint John Kerry as the Candidate of the Boob, we'll have people burning his posters in no seconds, er, flat!

Leticia out. Remember: the terrorists WANT you to vote Democratic!
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