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Friday, March 26, 2004

By the time you read this canned entry, I'm going to be on a plane, imagining all the things I'm going to do to the kid in front of me (who will be invariably leaning back in his chair--right into my lap--playing his Nintendo DS XG20 Turbo Plus) once I am queen of the world, so I'll keep it brief. Housecleaning:

--The comic book "Uncle Sam" is fantastic. It's a trippy little tour through everything that is right-- and wrong-- about the United States. You will laugh. You will cry. Well, not really, but you'll enjoy showing it to your hippie history teacher (everybody has one, I hope. Howard Zinn!). I, personally, read the whole thing in a record store, and like it enough to pay the sale price of two pounds so I could watch my hippie history teacher get a real kick out of it. Okay,

--Boobs. This really tees me off. A (female!) journalist, writing about a women's topless bike-riding protest in Daytona Beach, said this:

Even if the protest were only about being allowed to flash bare breasts in Daytona Beach during Bike Week, that was protected speech under the law . . . [but] exposing naked breasts to the hoots and whistles of eager-eyed men doesn't advance equal rights for women.

This is going to titillate men for me to say this (and therefore diffuse my point entirely, according to this woman's logic), but I cannot stand the idea that anything that turns men on is debasing to women. It takes two genders to run a society, people. If it turns men on, that's a bonus; that's how we make babies, after all.

I really miss the days in which sex was sacred and holy; but of course, "those days" are but a liberal fantasy, unless you count the fact that sex has ALWAYS been sacred and holy, which is always the argument for why sex should not be gay/frequent/fun. So I miss the days when sex was dirty and nasty and fun; days that can occur, outside of my liberal paradise in my head, one fuck at a time.

--Boobs again, because I love the subject so much. (Admit it, you love them too. You sucked on your mothers', or at least I hope you did. We can change that too.) From TERA comes news of a March called--get this--Boobies against Ashcroft. (I love it!)

That said.... I don't like the march's tone. Breasts are supposed to be wonderful and life-giving, right? Why would we want to use them to tear somebody down? Ashcroft isn't the problem, he's merely symptomatic of America's general fear of the milk machines. Come on! Let's show our boobs in _support_ of something, like how they're really damned cool. (bounce bounce)

--In which Leticia discusses the differences between Jet Grind Radio and Jet Set Radio Future:

IGN Xbox (can't be bothered to find the link... it's smothered in disturbing ads anyway) ran a feature on sequels they'd like to see, one of which was a Jet Set Radio 3, which they gave an 85% chance of happening since the name has recognition after being a pack-in title. Now... I doubt we'll ever see a third outing of jet-setting madness (considering the dismal sales of the first two), but a Jet Set Radio: Paris would still really kick ass. Can you imagine the game stylized after the Paris underground? Ooooh. And you could grind that big ugly pyramid in front of the Louvre.

Anyway, my point was, the feature said someting like "some took issue with Jet Set Radio Future's use of simple tags in place of the more complicated ones..." No, the problem was more like this. Jet Grind Radio (Jet Set Radio, everywhere but America) had a simple, fun gameplay mode involving tricking, running from cops, and tagging. Now, the first thing that Jet Set Radio Future took out was tagging (by making the tagging easy in the sense that all you had to do was push a button, but hard in that you fumbled the controls while trying to get the entire graffiti), which was a mistake since it was integral to the gameplay of the first; but it would all be better if they had a new gameplay mode, right? Then they took out being chased by the cops, which is kind of like making Pac-Man with no ghosts. Then they made your character ridiculously powerful and put rails damned everywhere so that tricking would be a breeze and replaced the ellegant, yet difficult combo system with one more resembling a game of Track and Field from hell and what you have left is the worst 3D platformer in recent memory. Jet Grind Radio had small levels, but the possibilities for tricking and experimentation were endless; Jet Set Radio Future had enormous levels and beautiful graphics that merely disguised the mind-numbingly simple processes of grind-wallride-grind, grind-jump-wallride, grind-jump-grind. Bottom line: Jet Grind Radio is Tony Hawk meets Pac-Man with a stylized twist, and Jet Set Radio Future is a platformer with no enemies where the only extra challenges are endless games of Track and Field on rails. Putrid.

So, I'd love a Jet Set Radio 3, but it wouldn't be worth more than $15 (what I paid for Future and Sega GT 2002 together, used) if it were based upon Future; and that's only because I am a fan of the youth-underground style and music of the series. Man, when I first saw Jet Grind Radio... I was so happy because I thought a game where you were a Tokyo skatepunk who had to paint graffiti and cause havok while running from cops, with heavily stylized graffiti-like visuals, was just the damned coolest thing ever. The sequel went so overboard on the style that it completely forgot about the underlying framework of gameplay. There were no new concepts in the sequel that I don't wanna see chucked for a third time around.

(And all the emphasis on "edgy"... I don't like edgy. You don't need to have the Noise Tanks be robots or Poison Jam be mutants with poison in their paint, or to have Professor K go from being charming and paternal to sassy and downright evil. I miss innocence. What ever happened to it?)

--Somebody E-mailed me to inform me that Bill Murray actually improvised many of his lines in Lost in Translation, hence why people think he should've gotten the SAG award. That's nothing, I coulda improvised the whole damn movie. In fact, I will, right now:

Where am I? Oh, what a weird videogame. This showerhead's too low... Golly Japanese people are short! I want to have sex with you, but I am a creepy old man. I think I'll have sex with this redhead instead. Oh, what a strange talk show...

Okay, that's enough! Tune in next time as Leticia presents her fantastic recipe for naked woman peach cobbler w/whipped cream. Sure to be a winner on the social circuit for months! (Be sure to choose a woman with freckles; they're really made of cinnamon. Mmm-mm.)
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