Tuesday, March 09, 2004


As a young girl, commercials scared the living crap out of me. Case in point: Cap'n Crunch. Who would want to buy cereal from somebody as creepy as that man? (And the fact that he wore the Quaker Oats hat made me want to behead him on religious grounds, but then I remembered all that non-violence stuff. Phooey.) Not to mention all the various commercials exploiting the psychadelic effect of marshmallow breakfast cereal. (Don't laugh at me-- I really was under the impression that Golden Crisp got you high. I was severly dissappointed, to say the least.)

In any case, given this childhood scarring (my TV was old and had no mute button; such a button would have spared me much torment), commercials, well, really turn me on. The ones that have really stuck in my head are the Fruit Roll-Ups one where Ren or Stimpy (I don't know! The bigger one) decides it would be a good idea to run himself and his Nicktoons mascot cohorts (including Doug, aaaahhhh!!!) through the Fruit Roll-Ups machine (does this fantasy sound familiar? It should). They slide down the hatch and tumble haplessly through the bulging cartoon tubes (reading, "Fruit Roll-Ups Only") to be made into commercialized, edible fruit snacks that will cause children around the world to constipate like nobody's business. (Ewww!! How could I just write that? Anyway, let's keep going...) And then there's the mother lode, the Etch-a-Sketch commercial in which a girl magician and a boy magician extoll the virtues of the all-new awesome Etch-a-Sketch (there was a color one for a while; who would want that?), and the girl proceeds to turn her Etch-a-Sketch upside down and shake it, causing the boy to dissappear into nothingness with an embittered "Hey!" Ohhh... that _always_ turned me on. And finally, there's that one Slip and Slide commercial that I saw a long, long time ago (I believe I was four years old--seriously) that creeped me out and intrigued me by showing children going down the Slip and Slide and getting--I am not making this up--eaten by the cartoon mascot alligator at the bottom. That should explain a LOT.

(If anybody remembers these commercials, or can provide more information or a video, you know what to do.)

In any case, a lot of my fantasies take this commercial form, such as the last one (from last night), in which I was a beautiful mermaid being brought into a factory, sitting pretty on my stool and talking about how great this brand of canned seafood is. I say something self-indulgent to the gruff, middle-aged woodcutter guy next to me (like "Ready for my close-up!" or something expecting me to be lavished in fame and glamour) as he proceeds to say, "Sorry, princess," while brandishing a carving knife.

All you hear are my screams and cries of agony in the blurred-out background while the camera focuses on a can of seafood, featuring me on the label. God bless. Good night.

(And all those dumb fantasies I have in which Sonic gets turned into all those various merchandising products. I feel really stupid about those. Sonic, if you're out there, I'm sorry...)
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