Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Here I am, back at my high school. I decided, out of another feat of adolescent arrogance, to go to my community college. I've done this twice before, and each time, I freaked out and decided I couldn't take it. I got lonely, I needed the companionship of my high school friends. Then, I returned to my high school and once again realized I was learning jack squat. So here I am now, returning to my high school bravely attempting to tell my teacher, "I'm going back. I'm not learning anything here. Sayonara."

And, of course, I didn't, and I'm back here in the library typing away at my blog and wondering what to do. Most creepily, though, is my recent sense of disconnection with the world, like I'm high.

Blogging is addictive. I can't believe I finally have a space to share my spaced-out attention-deficit musings to the entire Internet. At the same time, now that I feel like a part of something on the Internet, I don't feel like a part of reality anymore-- I walked into my school and realized that I felt like I was playing a videogame. Besides that, I wasn't doing very well, trudging to my teachers' office through my mental sea of pudding (more later), repeating to myself, "Okay. Just tell him you're not learning anything. He'll understand. You'll find friends at the community college. Promise."

(The irritating thing about my community college is that everybody goes there because they have a job somewhere or a girlfriend or some hectic daily schedule and here I am, going just because I want to have a life of my own. I'm pathetic. But anyway, it's scary when you walk into a place like that and people just come and go, learning things just for the credit and never stopping to say hi to anybody. It's like the construct in The Matrix, only mass-market.)

So I told myself that if I kicked myself in the ass and found a place where I was actually learning something, I would find friends... somewhere. Gosh-darn it, I live in Poseidontown, I'll blaze my own trail! So I went to a stitch-and-bitch and that was fun. But... I have no idea where I fit in, and even if people like me and I'm relatively popular at my high school I still have the constant feeling that I have no best friend, nobody to cry on or call at 3am when I'm in emotional crisis.

Um, so anyway, back to the third-person thing. People shout my real name at me and I don't recognize it; I drift through my school hallway as though I'm on autopilot. I'm always thinking, thinking, chirring away in that little brain of mine, which isn't unusual for me--I've always felt, as a certain British TV character put it (trivia question!), "like I was looking at life through a window"--but now, it goes directly into cyberspace, and I feel a wonderful connection with the whole blogged world. The problem is, I'm losing that connection with the real world (as I didn't have much of one to begin with), and there's this huge emotional chasm that's opened up between my two identities. How can my closest friends not know things about me that the whole world knows?

I've entertained the thought of blowing my secret identity; but the pseudonym has helped me get down things I otherwise would never admit to. But at the same time, I have this constant presence in the back of my head, like the Hulk; fearing that one day the strain will be too much to bear. I've also entertained the thought of stopping this blog many, many times; but that won't help, I'll still be divided on who I am.

I just don't know. I have trouble sleeping now, and so last night I just tried to focus my brain and just orbit around my problems rather than dwelling on them. It worked, for a spell; but the image that kept popping into my head was me, as a little girl, playing with all my little girly-friends that I never had... when I was a little girl...

I'm a sad, sad, sad, sad fuck. The end.

(Yes, this all adds up to: I don't know if I should buy True Fantasy Live Online, for the simple reason that it might realize my little Don Quixote world a little too much. Then I really _would_ have a life; a life of slaying monsters and having intimate discussions while sitting on the edges of canyons overlooking ancient starship ruins. This is something that needs to be secondary to my real life, which is strangely missing from the equation. I have no idea what to do. Help me.)

(That said, I get completely addicted to my E-mail sometimes... it feels good to be noticed, for once. People develop Everquest addictions, so I hear, because they like to be in a world where they are finally noticed and respected. This is some scary shit.)

(Oh, and I've had the "mental sea of pudding" moment many times now. Suddenly my body turns to lead and I'm pushing myself through an endless blockade. I have to fight to move anywhere. My guardian angel practically drags me by my shoulders sometimes. It's sad.)
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