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Wednesday, March 03, 2004

This... woman... kicks... ass.

From the mailbag, out popped Vanessa F, after a brief bondage fantasy involving being trapped in a mail truck, tied up in a baige mail sack and covered in suspicious white powder. Is it anthrax, or baking soda? You'll never know, because the bald, burly mailman will eat you up within the hour!! Bwa hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha--

(Suzy interrupts:

LOST.

Leticia's imagination.

Looks like a great big dildo. You may, at various points, see elaborate fantasies involving whipped cream and strawberries coming out of it. If you spot it and/or its lengthy, state-spanning trail of female ejaculation, please call the number on your screen: CONTINENTAL US ONLY)

Um, er, um, okay, yeah. I made that all up. But wasn't it FUN? Anyway, um, er, her letter, as it arrived, in my E-mail box, and I did not, contrary to popular belief, have to have the mailman chop me into little pieces serve me over noodles with soy sauce in order to read the message. Really. Ignore the fact that I am currently pleading for help while halfway naked in his basement, my buttocks burning against the cold concrete. Okay let's go.

Hey Leticia,

I'm a new fan of yours, pretty much just started reading about a month or two ago.

First I just want to say that I love your style. You write with incredible maturity, and you seem to have truly found an authorial voice that is yours alone. I cannot believe you are only seventeen and you are writing with this kind of talent.

Secondly, I want to let you know that i used to feel really depressed after masturbating as well. But you know what? Stopping won't happen. You'll just wake up in the middle of the night after having an incredible orgasm dream where you are masturbating like crazy in public with everyone watching. It will just consume your waking and sleeping thoughts, so don't bother stopping.

What worked for me was to always find new ways to come. I experimented with different places, tools, body parts, etc, until i had a vast selection of ways to make myself come. I had to do this because I was stuck with using the same sick fanatasy over and over, with the same method over and over. Totally lame. I felt like awful after every time. But once I found new methods, the new fantasies came really easily! Suddenly, I didn't have to use my gross boring fantasy any longer, and i was really proud of myself.

I can't guarantee that it will work for you, but every woman should at least experiment with different methods for masturbation. Who knows? You may surprise yourself at the great fantasies that will pop into your head.

Let us know if it works!

Take care,

Vanessa
xox


You know, you should just write my blog for me. I'm just going to have a Leticia Moment right now and say that I'm giving up the blog forever and waaaaah waaaaah, so that she can take over and show us HER fantasies. Come on. My vulva needs a break.

(No, I'm just kidding--I wouldn't make my dear readers do my whoring for me--but I do take submissions...)

In any case, her mention of "tools" made me imagine taking a wrench for my clitoris. Maybe at some point, if you wrench my clitoris enough I just pop open like a crash dummy, and there's nothing to do with my leftover scrap metal but make me into a satellite dish that you can watch football and drink beer to (and at this point we'll just segue-way into Kathryn Jane's fantasy). Ohhh, the blogosphere. Like a great big happy orgy but without all the logistical details.

G'bye all,

Leticia

(who's neglected to tell you that she has, in fact, entertained the thought of coming in front of Dante and his darling fianceƩ, with their consent; but she won't do anything rash, especially without telling her readers the results. Dear lordy!)
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