Sunday, March 21, 2004

Well it all started one fine morning when I decided to go to church. (Have I told this story?) Well, y'know, Quaker service is all about being completely silent while sitting in your creaky folding chair and waiting for the Holy Spirit to arrive. Usually, the Holy Spirit is stuck in traffic and I have to think about Sonic and stall, but this time, oh boy, I got the Spirit power in full force.

Y'see, she entered my body through a certain cavity in my midsection and appeared to me as a sacred prostitute. She was beautiful: shy and giggly, with red hair and pompous demeanor, and extravagant jewels and tassles hanging off of her body. She held me and asked me what was wrong and I told her, well...

"Nobody wants to watch me strip!"

(You all remember my girlhood dream, right? Good.)

I just about died. She told me... she told me she would watch me. And she did, eagerly and unapologetically, with her eyes sparkling as I made my moves. Finally, with my cunt against her face, she licked me, and that was that. She had no judgments, no presumptions, just pure warmth and caring. It... it was spiritual.

She told me... she told me everybody sees God in their own way, and that I shouldn't feel bad for any of my perceptions. She told me to go out there and be brave. She knew what I needed to be happy, and it wasn't in sex; I had that covered by myself. She made me feel whole. She made me feel wanted.

So she left, and I was left with my first spiritual experience since, well, watching Serial Experiments Lain, and I didn't know how to communicate it to anybody. How do I show the way that I've seen God?

But today, going to church in fairest England, I realized that it doesn't matter if you see God as a skinny white guy or as a nature spirit or as a prostitute. It felt like everybody was speaking from the same Spirit, the same Spirit with whom I consorted and had sex. She, or he, or whoever, gave us all energy in our own individual ways, and that reflects our purpose in the great global machine.

And that, my friends, makes me feel right spiffy. Who's up for some hippie spirituality?


Today, by the way, I saw the Holy Spirit again, and she was naked, skinny, and with short, spiky pink hair. She was pale and spoke in multiple octaves, like Alex Mack when she was liquified (did anybody else watch that show when they were kids?). She was in her dingy city digs and got out some sodas from her tiny fridge for us to drink while we sat at her little card table to chat. She told me... she told me first of all to discard my pride, as it has been dictating my actions too much lately, but also to reconcile with my guardian angel, as it's more important to be with my personal savior (er, in a different sense) than to try and be with the whole world's Spirit right now. My guardian angel was like my spiritual switchboard, the entry point into being one with the universe that I needed to get along with, lest I fail as a cog in the global machine.

So Suzy and I got together and I told her... I don't need to have sex. I need to PLAY. I need to play like a mofo. So, after a few rounds of Puyo Puyo, we went outside to a giant jungle gym and played... hide and seek! I was scraggly and looking kind of like my mentor, but younger, with a backwards cap and big navy blue suspenders. She was buck naked, much more buff than usual, with her big blonde hair swaying in the wind, and her giant angelic fairy wings stretching seemingly to the clouds. She counted and chased me around the playground, as I giggled and climbed and ran and launched web-lines (don't ask) just to get away from her. Eventually she caught me, got her big arms around me, and swallowed me whole. She just took me in my mouth as I laughed and cringed and waved by big sandaled feet in the air as I exited this world and entered Suzy's stomach. She cradled me there, now that I was a globe in her stomach, and held me as if I were her unborn child. Then she shit me out behind a bush, and as I protested using whatever means I could given my current state, she said, "Sorry, darling, but you're just too tasty for me not to eat you up," licking her fingers with delight. Mmm-mm.

So... I'm really glad I got to spend some time with my guardian angel, and with the Holy Spirit. May we all live in peace and harmony and sexual balance someday. Shalom!

(sorry to cop the Hebrew word; I just think it sounds so cool)
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