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Saturday, April 10, 2004

Hello there! I'm.. sad to say that things have been going... pretty well. Which means... NO NEW MATERIAL! (sad) But, I am here to report that I am a very bad bad person; I rented Grand Theft Auto III for Xbox. Grand Theft Auto. I am the worst feminist in the whole history of feminists.

That said, here are three games that abosolutely need to exist:

1. Grand Theft Auto: Prostitutes Take Over The World
2. Princess Peach's Ass-Kicking Adventure
3. Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball

(err, wait a second...)

So! I will report back with impressions of the murder and mayhem about to be committed in my personal fantasy land (which, if you are a conservative, is far, far more egregrious than murder and mayhem in the real world. C'est la vie), but I will be SORELY dissappointed if there is no Create-a-Prostitute mission where you create a prostitute, play as her, and then take on the criminal underworld one seduction and ass-kicking at a time. (No, really, that would be a good way to respond to all the criticism of GTA; it's not a game where you beat up whores, it's a game where you play as a whore and then beat people up! Nice how that works out, huh?) But no, at least there's a game where you get to play as a skatepunk and express yourself across the streets of Tokyo while the cops go nuts. Hours of entertainment.

Speaking of which... I want some damn Legos! Wah!

(Oh, and I'm just kidding about being the worst feminist ever. Some of us know the difference between pixel people and real people.)

(And imagining myself as a mermaid, sitting on my mentor mermaid's lap while she lovingly brushes my hair is a great way to get myself to go to sleep on the bus.)

(And I have recently been found being dolled up by a horde of temp workers while I place my hands on my shoulders in a "aren't I gorgeous" fashion while the British newscaster in my head talks about how wonderful and fascinating I am. The boys proceeded to throw me in a machine that reduced me to pure eroticism. C'est la vie.)

(Hey, here's a question for everybody: If you got run through the Ice Cream Machine, what flavor would you be?)
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