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Sunday, April 25, 2004

I posted this on Thursday, took it down, and now I am putting it back up again. It honestly scared me that much. In the interest of less censorship, though, I am going to show you all what lurks in my subconscious. Read.

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Posting from the library-- it's mental sea of pudding mania day.

I get up at noon, spend three hours getting up, one hour clipping my nails and stumbling around, and then I finally go to the meeting I'm supposed to be at today, only to find it's next Thursday, not this one.

But, the upside is that I'm out of the house. Hooray! Now I can do all those things I can't do at home, like... wander around, really bored.

But anyway, I did not go to my writing class today, because I decided to spare myself today. Why? This past week I've been positively crazy-going, and if I hear one more word about speaker tags I'm going to have a rhetorical climax in which I resubstantiate the central plot devices upside my writing teacher's head. With a flourish.

What I meant to write about today was this person, the Person Leticia Wants to Be The Friend Of Except She's Too Shy But She Does Say Hi Every Day To In A Really Awkward Fashion That Becomes More Awkward Each Instance #3047. (That is, I said hi to her every day when I went to my hippie school; now I'm at the community college and I see mostly strangers who think I'm a stranger and have no idea how awesome I am.) Her name is... we'll call her Lila (that is, "lie-la," not "leela.") Lila is, like me, ellegant, loves videogames, and is shy. (At least, I hope I'm ellegant. Don't answer that.) I went with her to nearby Yadrinsburg once on an overnight trip. She is somebody that I would love to bond with more often. But anyway...

Given that I am too shy to keep up a meaningful relationship, I hadn't talked to her for a year. So... I decided that, since we had drifted apart, I would ask her one last time if she wanted to get together sometime. That way... if she said, "golly gee, I'm awfully busy," I would know that she doesn't like me, and I'll just walk away and sniffle and find somebody who isn't such a meanie to be my friend. (choke) WAAAAAHHH!!

So, you can guess what happened after that. In case you didn't, I asked her, in my usual fashion:

LETICIA: Golly gee shucks, Ms. Lila, It'd be awfully swell if we could, you know, come to my place...

And she replied, in her usual shy fashion:

LILA: Aww, man, Leticia, I just don't know. Maybe if I weren't defending the free world while patenting my latest invention and interviewing seven potential boyfriends all in the same weekend, I would have time for seven seconds of coffee with you. But, as it turns out, I'm just too busy. Sorry.

LETICIA: Well... if you're having an emotional crisis at 3am, see if I help you out! (BAM)

All except that last part, in which I said how I felt; instead, I followed my plan, smiled, and walked away politely. It's okay. I'm not too heartbroken. I'll find somebody else. Really.

But, now I'm far away from that school and nobody's seen me for a good month or so. I've dissappeared off the face of the earth. Dante's been giving me worried calls asking if I'm still alive (as far as he knows, I'm kaput; I'm not going to call him back this time. My problem, not his). So, the other week, I had a dream...

(Plllwwweeeoooeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeo)

(That was supposed to be the harp that plays when the screen goes all blurry. What is that called? Nevermind...)

I got lost on the way home and found myself in an extravagant French district where everybody was in some elaborate costume. What stood out, though, was Lila, in a silvery videogame heroine sorta dress, leaning on her lovely new boyfriend. I see her and I decide to get her attention, cringing and saying "Hi!" in my usual fashion and waiting for her to say "oh, hi, Leticia" in her usual fashion so that I can mope away in my usual fashion.

Oh, but this time... I know I'm in a dream by now, so... if I use up all of my remaining dream energy (thus ending the dream spectacularly), I can tell her how I really feel. Okay? Here we go:

LETICIA: Hey! Lila! I'm cuter, smarter, and nicer than you are and we like all the same things and there's no reason I shouldn't be your friend!

So, Lila grabs the back of my head, dunks me into a drinking fountain and says,

LILA: Hey, girly girl! There's nothing you have that my new boyfriend doesn't. So why don't you just poof off to your fairy land and dream about sugar and rainbows and giant robots like you usually do? It'll be a lot more fun that getting your ass pounded in by your former friend.

(Not verbatim. But close.)

So, I decide I'm just going to apologize, hack all the water out of my lungs and be on my way. But no... this is a dream... I have STRENGTH!

So I swing my limbs around and throw her off the edge of the structure we were on (yeah, we were on a structure... forgot to mention that). Then, I notice something. Her shirt (she is now wearing a shirt and jeans... yeah) is

Halfway.

Off.

And her skin is muddy and beautiful.

And.... this hurts me to my very core...

I jump down, kick her ass, rip her clothes off, and stop just short of raping her when I realize what I am doing and wake up.

Terrified of myself, I crawl to the door to go and write all this down on my computer. Then I wake up again and find myself back in my bed, so I crawl to my door AGAIN to go write all this down.

I spent the rest of the day shivering and I had to call my best friend and tell him what had happen and go over to his house and hold me and tell him that everything's okay, that it was just a dream and I am still Leticia McKenzie, the nice girl who never does anything mean. He told me he has dreams like that too; and they help, because he just happens to be Prime Sensitive Nice Man #1 that all of the girls in their right minds (including me, to an extent) drool over. So, it's good to take out his frustrations on dream people.

Still... I have some concern over what happened in Dream Land. I... my mom says that some people try so hard to find the community they need that they destroy it in the process. I... we... I'm not bad... I...

I'm not going to write this any more. Anything I write is going to lead up to an acceptance of what I did, and I can't allow for that. It was mean and nasty and cruel and uncalled for and I can't afford to think about it in a positive light. So... when I see her again, I will say "Hi!" and she will say "oh, hi, Leticia," and I will continue on my merry way and I'm sure she will find some wonderful boyfriend and I will be happy for her, as she is a good person and the two of us just weren't meant to be.

As friends, I mean.

My head hurts.
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