Sunday, April 18, 2004

I started thinking last night,, and that's bad. If I think, that means I'm going to be thinking for the next few hours, while generally staring at the cieling, or at the wall. But, you know, this was important.

If I am me, and nobody else, and me is just a collection of atoms, and my brain is just gray matter with electricity running through it, and my soul is just an abstraction of the pulses in my brain... why am I just me, and why am I nobody else? I mean, if I sat down here and created a sentient computer program, one that was aware of itself, would it be staring back at me? Would it have an ego? Would it wonder why it is nobody else?

And then... if I split from my mother, why is my mother not me? If I think I'm so unique, how come my genetic data is so predetermined? But also... when I severed my ties with my mom biologically, what is it that makes my ego stop at the edge of my brain?

The obvious answer to this is that, as a collection of atoms, my cognition stops at what I can see and smell and taste and imagine; but isn't it sad that, when I am a human being cursed to die within a fairly short sojourn, that I can't be anybody else but me? How come my ego can't stretch to see into other people's brains, or into the workings of the earth? (And of course... when I die, do I just fizzle out? I can't stand it and it makes me really sad but I might as well accept it, being the simplest answer and all...)

According to Serial Experiments Lain (I know this is a silly time to talk about an anime; but this show was like a religious experience for me), the human race is becoming so adept at communication that we are becoming a singular consciousness, that each one of us is merely a neuron helping the human race think for itself. I don't know... but I wish it were true right now. I wish I could lose my sense of self in my service to others. I wish I could just be a neuron.

So, I'm in one of those sick-of-myself-and-my-own-overthinking moods, where I wish I had no identity and I could just rip myself apart and eject my ego down the disposal, never to have to think of myself as Leticia McKenzie or anybody in particular, just functioning without thinking about it. But... I suppose I have a gift, most people don't think this much. (sigh)

Who wants to come over to my house and drink tea and talk about deep stuff and then watch silly cartoons? I'm up...


(I had a vision once where I asked God what it would take to make me happy, and she playfully reached into my chest and pulled out my ego, which looked like a small ruby, and placed it in her jewerly box and flew away. I felt like I was melting into the Earth. That felt good...)
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