Friday, April 02, 2004

I'm breaking my break just for this, because I'm so angry.

I can't meet with my mentor because her criminal background check returned... incomplete. We must send it through AGAIN. For the second time, the paper-pushers at the City of Poseidontown have managed to take the criminal background check, eat it, spit it into their coffee, pass the coffee into Accounts, where they divide it up and drink it, pee it out, have rodents pick up the fragments of the form in the sewer, have the police track down each individual rodent and its piece of the form, re-assemble the form but with one missing piece that we must fill in for the third freaking time, all over the course of two months.

I am going to go to their offices, take the criminal background check, cram it down their throats, barf it out, play hackeysack with the barf bag, have the barf bag explode all over the CEO (of... somewhere), have him dig out the chewed-up form, and then I will beat the crap out of him, rip his body into shreds, rip his assistants into shreds, and get the mayor to reassemble them, filling out form B at the 3GC with 20X9 at the 4R6.

And then, I am going to sit in front of the receptionist until she spends FIVE FUCKING SECONDS looking up the name of my mentor, and see if she has, in fact, shot a man in Memphis. If she has, she will be kicked out of the facility, which is all the better because I can seduce her and fuck her deliriously, because she is made all the more sexy because she shot the guy in Memphis.

And THEN I am going to find the guy in Memphis that she shot, and make his corpse into an artsy collage and hang it on the living room wall.

But anyway, if she has not shot a man in Memphis, then I can FINALLY GET SOME FUCKING MENTORSHIP FROM HER, which I have been needing for, oh, FOUR DAMN MONTHS when we first submitted the criminal background check form.

Bureaucrats are USELESS. Now, the problem is, as I mentioned, my mentor and I are not allowed to have a mentorly relationship around the other youth at the facility, because they... are.. getting... jealous.

I HATE this fucking relationship! I'm dating the hottest woman in the world, except with all drama, and no actual dating. This relationship was concocted in Hell. And, an another note, the other day I realized that if I wait until I'm old enough to date her (according to the rules of the facility--again, bureaucrats are fucking USELESS), she will be in her forties. Life sucks.

Aaaaanyway, so I have no idea what she means. Right now, I need her to stroke my hair and call me sweetie the way she usually does. But where is the line drawn? Can she not stroke my hair? Can I not cry into her arms in front of the chiiiiildren? Could she kiss my temple the way she did that... one... time? Am I allowed to use the dreaded.... M word? At what point is it MY FAULT that kids are getting jealous of my hot sexy mentor relationship (which is worth jack-shit because, at this point, we can't meet anywhere but in the back office of secrecy?)

Anyway, the mentor coordinator says we just shouldn't meet (except in secret!) until her criminal background check comes back (at which point I will be too old to date anybody, and she will be dead), and I say she should have a shovel lodged in her ribcage. Her choice. I say we reach a compromise: I say we don't compound this facility's drama by making us meet in secret (which, right now, gives me all the drama of a real relationship without any of the sex), while at the same time, her heart rate will be compromised by a halfway-lodged shovel. I'd say that's a good compromise, wouldn't you?

Bitch... bitch... bitch...
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