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Sunday, May 09, 2004

Big, enourmous, Death Egg-sized apologies to Kathryn Jane, whose blog you should be reading instead of mine.

Dear Sonic The Hedgehog,

You are an exceedingly wonderful hedgehog and I have enjoyed spending time with you. However, it is my understanding that you are a pixelated videogame character, and somehow, I think our relationship can’t last much longer. It is time for the two of us to go our separate ways.

I’m not sure what life brings for us. You are probably going to keep fighting Dr. Eggman, and I’m probably going to keep writing morose letters. But we are both compassionate, brilliant people, and I’m sure we will face all situations with compassion and/or brilliance, whichever is applicable. I do hope that one day you achieve your dreams of toppling his vast empire, as I am sure you hope that I achieve my dream of not being addicted to your games. So, it is with great sadness that I—didn’t I say this already?

You know what, Sonic? You never had any time for me. It was always, “Dr. Eggman this, Dr. Eggman that!” I’m beginning to think you like him more than me. I would be like, “Honey, would you mind going to bed early tonight?” and giggle my bestest girliest giggle, and all you would do is drop your jaw to the floor and then run as fast as you could, as far away as you could. Well then, forget it! We were doomed from the start, you and I. I mean, I’m sure I’ve only been chasing you around all day since I’ve managed to transubstantiate into the videogame world, and you have no idea who I am or why I’m here, but I am going to remain convinced that you are my boyfriend and that we must part ways bitterly, and I will let nobody convince me otherwise because that is the American way!

So go have your Dr. Eggman, creep! You liked him more than me, anyway! You had to fight him and you never wanted to “do battle” with ME. So I’m leaving you. Goodbye. You gone already? Sheesh. You’re like, totally going to stick around. Right?

Right?

(cries)

...

CALL ME, SONIC!!! I WANT THIS TO WORK!!!

(END)
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