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Thursday, May 27, 2004

There’s a girl in my science class who, out of the blue, asked me who I was. This might not seem so strange to you foreigners, who understand the concept of politeness and hospitality to a fault, but here in America, we have a different way of doing this.

AMERICA’S DIFFERENT WAY OF DOING THINGS
A Quick Guide for Foreigners by Leticia McKenzie

1. Your neighbors are spying on you. Do not approach them.
2. You must park your car within at least half a foot of where you are walking.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, say "excuse me."

So I was pretty surprised when this soft-spoken lady decided to breach the American Rules and ask me not only my name, but who I was. I, Leticia McKenzie, besides being a bi-pedal carbon-based life form (I hope) (Scratch that, I hope I’m an alien, I don’t want the humans’ blood on my hands), am here because of XYZ circumstances, am taking XYZ classes, and want to grow up to be XYZ (actual things changed to protect the hopefully innocent, like me). I told her about my school, about what I liked about this school, and what I was drawing, and why I liked drawing that, and golly-gee look-at-the-time-I’ve-been-bearing-my-soul-to-a-complete-stranger-for-a-full-five-minutes-so-I-better-get-out-of-here-and-stick-a-few-more-flag-lapels-on-my-BMW-to-make-sure-I’m-American...

But no, she blessed me warmly with her presence, and I was confident that I had bared my soul to somebody who wouldn’t, you know, sell pictures of my bare soul over the Internet. However, my perspective for her changed for the.... you decide (we distort!) when THIS happened:

Well there was a boy asking about science blah blibbity blah blah ANYWAY the scene climaxed when his obnoxious girlfriend (of which there are many at this college) told the Soft-Spoken Lady That Leticia Wants To Turn Into A Popsicle And Rest Her On Her Tongue Forever And Ever, "don’t worry, he just doesn’t want to be spanked." To which the SSLTLWTTIAPARHOHTFAF replied, under her breath, wait for it, here we go: "I’ll have to use my hand; I forgot my belt."

"I forgot my belt."

"I-I-I ffforgot my belt, belt-belt." (techno-scratching)

Do you know what this MEANS? If not, I will fill you in. She is somebody who goes around stealing people’s souls with her soft-spoken nature and enticing smile. She then takes the souls back to her apartment and makes fruit smoothies out of them. I have proof.

Really.

Leticia

(Anybody who said she is not harboring souls down in her apartment is a LIAR! Don’t you understand?! The coalition must act NOW! We’ll be out of her apartment in six months, tops!)
(Think of the children!)
(And MY soul which is about to be--ACK!)
WHIRRR WHIIRRR WHIRRR
Wheeeeee-erk!
Slurp.... mmmmmm....
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