Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Too much Sonic.

Yes, it's begun. It took me thirteen years, but I have finally gone Sonic crazy. Case in point: I am actually considering buying the first three Sonic games for GameCube, despite the fact that they are merely repackagings of games that I ALREADY OWN for other systems. But more importantly, Sonic is my new image of masculinity. I look to Sonic for comfort when times are sad. I want a boyfriend like Sonic: carefree, versatile, and whenever things go bad, he just runs. That's how he thinks, he just DOES. He's my exact opposite. I'd like a boy like that.


Okay! Now, with my latest Sonic poster up, I will be able to see Sonic on three of my four walls. Now I will never feel alone, because whenever I think I am stupid or ugly or slutty, I will just look up at Sonic and he will look back at me, smiling, and giving me the thumbs-up. He thinks I'm beautiful. Right, Sonic? (gives Sonic a hug.) He's such a wonderful boyfriend. And he never talks back; I push A, he jumps, no questions asked...

...but I do keep having to tell him not to get into fights with that Knuckles...

...who, I descerned today, would be a TERRIBLE boyfriend. Can you imagine trying to get a word in edgewise between him and his true love, the Master Emerald? (okay, for people who have no idea what I'm talking about: Sonic is carefree and saves the world with his super-cool hero attitude while running around like a crazy man, while his friendly rival, Knuckles, stands tall on the Angel Island and does his duty of guarding the precious Master Emerald. Knuckles doesn't know why he was given this job, or why he was the last of his race that inhabited Angel Island, but Sonic's carefree, stringy lalala attitude really tees him off when he's trying to be the noblest marsupial that ever lived.) Besides, Knuckles is shy, and he doesn't like girls. He only loves one thing. He's emeraldosexual.

Um, and while we're on the topic of the orientations of Sonic characters, Tails is too young to know, Amy is one serious closet case, Sonic loves everybody and therefore nobody (Tails manages to pierce Sonic's barriers of manliness but ONLY AS A FRIEND), Big is-- I don't even want to think about that, Gamma has a thing for hot melting metal fantasies, Tikal is a virgin for life, Cream and Charmy are too young to know, Rouge is straight (sorry girls), Vector is fabulously gay, Omega is the gayest robot that ever lived, and Espio is... um... not my new boyfriend. I seriously thought about that for a brief second, whether or not I would be compatible with Espio (the gruff ninja chameleon; think Solid Snake if he were small and purple). That would actually work out pretty well: his senses are so acute that he would be the most sensitivest boyfriend ever, and know how to please me from long distances using only thumbtacks and his fancy ninja throwing skills. I like the idea of being pinned to a wooden post by shuriken. Ooooh.

(SUZY: No no no no no no NO no no. Here's some advice, Leticia: do NOT fantasize about halfway human Day-Glo colored videogame animals. That's just weirder than weird.)

Um... right. Okay! Next time we'll find out who Leticia's His Dark Materials dæmon is. Is it a ferret... or a dragonfly? Or maybe a goat? Fiiiiind out next time!
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