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Wednesday, June 09, 2004

She looks like a ghoul.

No, I'm serious. But she's the most gorgeous ghoul you ever met. She's also kinda fluffy, so I could probably roll her in flour and fluff her if I so desired, with her consent of course. Of course, the fact that my brain is already to the Rolling-in-Flour-and-Fluffing phase signifies my current mentality, which is hopelessly bored. And so, my relationships progress from holy-shit,-she-says-I'm-sexy-and-kisses-me-and-I've-liked-her-for-quite-a-while-but-wait-a-minute-aren't-I-supposed-to-like-boys? to ooh-that-would-be-fun-but-only-if-I-brought-strawberries.

In fact, our next conversation would go exactly like this:

LETICIA: Hi, listen, I...
BAD LETICIA: Come on, Letty, this is your big chance. Screw this one up, and you'll never date another boy, girl, or intersexual ever again. So, just breathe really deep, and say the big words, which are
THE GIRL: Hey, gorgeous, you're just about the finest thing I ever laid eyes upon. Why don't you swing over to my house and I can run you through my milkshake machine-- I mean help me with my math homework?
GOOD LETICIA: No! No! Just be nautral. She likes you that way. Remember, you are loved for your flaws. I saw that on a website once. It was about how to deal with being shy, and it had that one awful ad for some Bill Murray film and you hated the ad because it preyed upon shy people and, of course, all ads do that because corporate motherfuckers are desperate Nazi fucks who would fucking fucking fucking
BAD LETICIA: Haw haw! Too nervous, Leticia? Maybe you had too many sodas yesterday! Of course, you didn't have ANY sodas, because you don't drink caffiene, but maybe that Dilbert comic you read five minutes ago really disrupted your cognition, but
LETICIA: I-- I gotta go.
THE GIRL: What's the matter? Because...
GOOD LETICIA: But, you see, THIS ad, the content of the website lulled you in into a false sense of security and then BAM! right in your weak spot. Ouch!
THE GIRL: there are lots of sexy women at my house and they will sing as your bones are crushed into tiny bits by the giant windmill thingy at the bottom of the machine
GOOD LETICIA: Why don't you read some of that E-mail you get, Leticia? Ever? I mean, I'm sure the people you get are nice..
BAD LETICIA: Haw haw! You read your E-mail four days ago, last time I checked, and BECAUSE you read that E-mail correcting your grammar now you're bent out of shape and babbling in front of the girl who wants to take you to an evening of milkshake-making, HELLO?
THE GIRL: But, don't worry, if you're just a loser, I can go find some snotty, horny boy and run him through the machine, but he'll be an icky green milkshake, not a tasty, cherry-flavored one like you would make. Oh, how I long for the taste of your milkshake...
GOOD LETICIA: Oh, but that ONE E-mail was SO MEMORABLE, you know, the guy, who told the story, you know, about his cat, and the adventures it had..
LETIICA: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

POOF!!

THE GIRL (in the REAL world): Leticia, is something wrong?
LETICIA: No, it's just...
THE GIRL: Because, you know, if you don't like me, that's okay, I mean, you shout "EVERYBODY SHUT UP" and all just when I finish talking about hydroponic trigonomical defibulators..
LETICIA: No! That's not it!
THE GIRL: Why did I think studying with a girl would be a good idea? Jesus, you're just like all the men I meet, all you do is space out and you--
LETICIA: No! I'm different! See! I've got a vagina! I--
THE GIRL: Good-bye!

(SLAM)

GOOD LETICIA: And first, the cat peed on his rug, and then the toaster exploded, and boy, you should have seen his eyes, they were as big as dinner plates...
(Leticia cries. Somebody plays beautiful violin music and everything fades out.)
(Then the violin plays goes to snuggle with her perfect boyfriend and Leticia cries some more.)

--

Perfect! Beautiful! Oscars all around. Goodbye!

(Yes, I just saw Adaptation, and yes, I am very, very sorry.)
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