Friday, July 09, 2004

I always considered the sticker at Subway saying "Try our Atkins-Friendly Double Chocolate Cookies--Only 7 Net Carbs!" to be evidence that humanity must end its trek through the stars, but my brother pounted out a further tragedy in the fine print: "eating too many may cause stomach discomfort." Ya think?

It's sort of cruel to convince people that it won't hurt if they eat cookies on their diet--it must be something that compels overeaters to, you know, overeat. But it's sort of funny how well America is taking the bait. If you're not pleased with what's healthy and what's not, we redefine "healthy" so that it applies to things like steak and double chocolate cookies.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this ever, but anything that says "lowfat" at the supermarket is, by definition, not healthy. The more pictures of hard-bodied women sprinting long distances are on the box, the less healthy it is. If you do not believe me, take a look at the ingredients list, which generally is so long that it takes up the entire flap and is full of enough bizarre-sounding chemicals to power the Starship Enterprise. Here's Dr. Leticia's unliscenced, unsolicited advice: things like bread, fruit, and vegetables have always been good for humans and will always taste good to humans. That's why we have stuck around for so long. There's no real reason to buy Heart-Healthy Snickerdoodles (Only 26 ml of arsenic!) when you can go to a farmer's market and buy stuff that is actually, you know, good.

Tune in next time for more self-righteous ranting.


(By the way, a lot of these companies stand behind "science" as proof that their Load-of-Crap-in-a-Minnit products are good for you; a lot goes into convincing you that these foods are unusual because they're on the cutting edge. Because of this, you might actually want to talk to a scientist about nutrition before you believe them. It's kind of like how it takes a scientist to know that genetically modified crops will not, in fact, save the world, in fact genetic engineering tends to produce crops that are _less_ resilient than the ones that nature has perfected over thousands of years. Instead, the companies put out genetically modified crops, patent them, and then charge royalties from any poor sap whose crop is contaminated by it. Now that we can patent genetic data, the whole world is in the command of ruthless free-market capitalism. Bwa ha ha! It's the wave of the future!)

(You know, if we all die out, it won't be because of an intervening god; we'll all die as a defense mechanism on the part of nature.)
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