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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Yes, I'm going to talk about Bill O'Reilly one more time, and if you have a problem with that, you can just shut up and go back to your liberal loon friends and call of Fidel Castro because, here on the O'Leticia Factor, we see through all the spin coming from both sides and, you know, I can't stress this enough, I came from the hard, hard city streets of downtown Hicksburg and I ate bugs and rainwater for nine months before making up to the top here at COW News and I can't stress enough that the government, you know, big government spending, I mean... SHUT UP!! YOU HAD YOUR THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES! Go back and sit over there, you had your thirty-five minutes... I'M WARNING YOU!! I'M A TRUTH-TALKING ANALYST AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO GO NONPARTISAN ON YOUR ASS!! ...

...

Sorry. What I was saying was, I can understand where a lot of Bill O'Reilly's appeal comes from (really, really scary stuff ahead)... You all know that I descibe myself as a space case and an idealist and kind of out there all the time, and while I'm proud of who I am and that all makes sense to me... if I wanted a boyfriend who would balance myself out, I'd want him to be really grounded, very focused... the opposite of our friend Bill but I'm getting to that. There's something very appealing in that no matter how wrong he is (as Steven Colbert put it in his hilarious parody of Bill), "I'm right, and you're wrong." He doesn't even need to SAY he's right, he just is, by virtue of just being him, and if you're not him, than you're wrong, because I'm a truth-talking independent and believe you me, I look at all the facts and listening to the arguments respectfully and SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!--and you can see why, God help me, I mean God really help me, I mean hail Mary full of grace and everything else twenty times and I'm going to bathe in holy water before I say this and draw a cross on my chest about twenty times using a Sharpie and widen the brim of my Quaker hat by about ten feet, I do find him insufferably attractive, because he HAS that oomph, he HAS that confidence, he exhudes the feeling of being completely grounded in reality because he just won't accept anything else. He IS a truth-talker, if you accept that the "truth" is that O'Reilly is right and everything else is wrong, and if all you've got against me is that I call a Peabody a Polk, you're sick.

(whooo) That's my thing on Bill O'Reilly. And if you'll excuse me, I'm about to bathe in the blood of a thousand virgins and MAYBE this will leave my head. And remember: "Well, I want to kill Michael Moore, is that right? All right? And I don't believe in capital punishment." Good night!

To be fair, his retort is that just after he said that he wanted to kill Moore, he said, "that's just a joke on Moore." Well, don't worry, Mr. Bill, I may want to hunt you down and slice out your heart and put your head on a stake and sell your scalp on eBay--but that's just a joke. Friends? Friends.
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