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Saturday, September 04, 2004

Good golly! My brother made me watch three movies:

Undercover Brother: stupid
Mystery Men: very neat
Death to Smoochy: waaaaahhh!! I want my mommy!!!

(he was going for a "people in silly costumes" theme)

Undercover Brother is a cavalcade of tasteless in-jokes that make a mockery of black culture that I'm sure is amusing to somebody... okay, I found it pretty amusing too... but realizing that I found it amusing was an experience not unlike realizing I had slept with the school bully while drunk.

(Not an actual occurence. I made it up. Do not worry.)

Mystery Men is pretty stupid too, but after swearing to hate it for about the first hour it really grew on me. I've read a lot of superhero comics but not one has managed to tell the story of a group of superhero screw-ups who suddenly become humanity's last hope as well as Mystery Men did... I came away thoroughly charmed. Also, the cast kicked ass. I don't like celebrities at all, but even I had to go for the combination of Ben Stiller, Kel Mitchell, and liberal heroine Jeneane Garofalo, as well as the coffee shop girl who needs to rule the world.

Death to Smoochy will give me nightmares. Forever. It's a very good film, actually--exceptional, even, from a filmmaking standpoint--but god DAMN did it make me piss my pants. I don't think I _can_ like it, as my conscience won't let me. I'm going to speak to my therapist and tell him that the dancing rhinocerous with a gun needs to GO AWAY!!! PLEASE!!!

I want to play Harvest Moon now. I wish I owned Harvest Moon, but of course, I'm waiting for the Girls version. I need Harvest Moon to hold me and stroke my hair. Waah!

Leticia

p.s. You know, one day, I was thinking: Viewtiful Joe is neat, but it makes my head hurt like a mofo. Too much going on... too much action... neat calm... need peace... it's the second game (after Shenmue) that I've bought pretty much only because it got critical acclaim, and after I bought Shenmue and found it to be an overly glamourized sailor-hunt I swore only to buy a game if it appealed to me personally and not just because it got straight nines.
So I finish (almost... can't beat that damned final boss) Viewtiful Joe and realize, no matter how good a game it is, I won't play it very often because it simply isn't my thang. So, I thought... what would be Leticia's Best Game Ever? So....

My old teacher, who also needs to rule the world, taught his class (including me and Dante, who, over the course of this class, discovered we were in love, to a fashion) to meditate, and we had to imagine our perfect grove in our perfect forest land. No, only I imagined a grove in a forest land, he just told everyone to construct a home for themselves in their minds. Mine looked like it was in the middle of nowhere, but when you found my shiny purple/silver palace, you saw the hot springs and fountains and beautiful bathrooms (I love bathrooms, when I'm rich and famous I'm going to have a bathroom the size of the Astrodome) with great big porcelain tubs and showers and I can just lay down on the floor and stare at the cieling and think about how beautiful I am...

So I thought about my World's Perfect Game for Leticia and I realized, IT WOULD HAVE TO HAVE MY FOREST MANSION, but no, I wouldn't START with my forest mansion, I would start with a tiny little shack and build my way up through challenges and connections and mini-games. This, by the way, is almost EXACTLY the concept of Sega's new game, Amazing Island, but it doesn't have the fancy houses I don't think.

But the point of the game wouldn't be all the mini-game challenges, I figure I'm much too jaded a gamer for that. No, I would have to choose how to spend my money on beautiful decorations and I could decorate my house however I want and have pets like pandas and tigers and the tiger would have a habit of eating me in the middle of the night (excuse me) oh and I'd have a beautiful silk nighty and I would walk through the house feeling as though I were made of beautiful, heavenly fluff and my husband would come by and grab me and fuck me like nobody's business until I have ascended to the next plane, in which I am an old woman playing checkers with my old lady friends at a bridge table on a completely blank background (like on those cell phone commercials) and we smile and talk about politics and figure we're just old fogies and we've gotten everything in the world and there's nothing left but to have fun until we die... and then, after five minutes, I come down from my orgasm and place my hand on my husband's stomach and tell him, "you know, I'm only thirty years old," and he says, "yes, my Charmander, you have your whole life ahead of you" and then he licks my pussy.

AND EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT.

See! Wouldn't that be the best game ever?! Um, it sort of became my sexual fantasy halfway through, but we have to come up with some use for those vibration controllers, now don't we?!

Signing off,

Leticia

(Yes, I already signed this post, but I just live for all that pomp and circumstance. I'll watch a whole TV show just for the cliffhanger. Actually, you know what I really love? The awkward pause just before the theme song. Firefly does it quite well. I live for that awkward pause.)

SUZY: Appendix A includes games that somewhat match Leticia's description.

Harvest Moon
Animal Crossing
The Sims

LETICIA: You know, if they combined Advance Wars and Animal Crossing, THAT would be the best game ever.
SUZY: If you say so.
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