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Friday, October 15, 2004

Hey! Gossip time. Time to run the Gossip-O-Matic! (A big machine begins turning and boiling and Leticia is sucked through a huge vacuum tube and turned into pure gossip. It is up to Suzy to reconstruct her beloved client before she dissipates into the gossip circles forever. This summer! See! One woman! In a land! In a time! An action packed thriller the New York Times called "boring...")

I watched Outfoxed yesterday. That is, I looked toward a screen that was showing Outfoxed. What I was actually looking at was my own image, of the HIV Testing Man, with my legs firmly wrapped around him, never to let him go. Oh, I tried to watch Outfoxed. I really did. I think it had something to do with Fox News. But nothing could change the channel from the All-Leticia-Wrapping-Her-Legs-Around-The-HIV-Testing-Man-Network (or: Real News, No Missionary Position). (Or, I Cavort, You Comply.) So, what's a thinking woman to do?

I go to HIV Testing Headquarters.

I AM GOING TO ASK THAT SON OF A BITCH ON A DATE.

Now, you've got to understand, I never have a plan for these things. Ever. I just decide, okay, I like this person (usually a girl, up until now; I was a baby-dyke throughout most of my adolescence, I developed a taste for boys around the time that I, well, met Dante and started watching Digimon), I'm going to ask "Will you go out with me?" Then she will look at me funny and never, ever respond. I will be heartbroken. I will feel dirty. But the last thing I can ever do it plan ahead for these things.

But this time, I knew. THIS GUY WAS THE MAN FOR ME. Hell, he was the _woman_ for me. I would dress him in a skirt and call him Princess Manlyman. But that is a story for another day. (Actually, I just made that up. Do I get points for effort?)

(Did I mention that HIV Testing Man calls me sweetie? Oh I did. You besta believe it gets me going.)

(...Well, it doesn't, but it makes me feel all purdy.)

SO! Like any thinking woman, I go to HIV Testing Headquarters to ask this fellow on a date. That simple! He DEFINATELY has a crush on me (and you besta believe it; public servants do often want to take orders from you in more than one way, bwa ha ha...), so we'll go to a fancy restaurant, I'll wear a nice purple dress, and I won't have to worry about things to talk about (don't worry, I'll find other things to worry about), because we'll just talk about Classy Adult Things like Volkswagen beetles and sex.

(Did I say sex? I meant burritos. What a day...)

SO! Back on track. I'm standing in front of the entrance of HIV Testing Headquarters. And I realize, lo and behold...

I... am... seventeen.

Maybe I should wait JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER, until I'm eighteen, and, you know... legal.

(Good GOD it feels good to say that! I will be legal. Makes me sound sexy. I sound like, er, a sexy lady atop a pile of legal briefings. Or maybe that I'm so sexy, I collapse and turn into a pile of papers on the desk, each to be individually sorted and typed on and photocopied and signed in triplicate and distributed to every government center in the United States, with John Ashcroft looming over me, because he thinks I like it when he watches. HA!)

So this whole just-a-little-bit-longer strategy, as any stockbroker would now, came back to bite me in the ass, and most certainly not in the good way.

I go to the community center to brood that night and

there

he

is.

FUCK! FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! FUCKIN' FUCKIN' FUCKITY FUCKIN' FUCK FUCK! FUCKITY DOO DAH! FUCKTIME FOR FUCKERS IN FUCKANYYYYYY.....

So you can see how this went. You see, too recap, my whole idea was

1) If he is an adult responsible for my well-being, he cannot date me.
2) If he does not show up at the community center for a long time, he is no longer an adult responsible for my well-being.
3) Licorice tastes good.

So my whole plan on asking him on a date came CRASHING TO THE GROUND when he chose this time, by God, THIS TIME OUT OF ALL THE TIMES HE COULD HAVE COME to do HIV Testing Night. FUCKING FUCK FUCK! FUCK YOU, HIV TESTING MAN! And, as you know, I mean that in the nicest possible way. Oh, please please please, go out with me. Puh-leeeeeeze. I'll do ANYTHING! I'll dive off a cliff into a river filled with sharks that will tear my flesh apart and then put little toothpicks in each severed piece of flesh and serve them in an elegant French restaurant! I'll walk through a car wash only to have the rollers squash me until I'm as flat as a sheet of rubber and the sexy auto mechanics can have their way with me! I'LL LET THE PREPPY SCHOOL BULLIES FROM THE CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL PUSH ME INTO THE CHOCOLATE MACHINE! THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU! AND THAT'S HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HERE, TODAY, OF ALL PLACES, DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU TO HELL! AND DAMN YOU TO THE NICEST POSSIBLE HELL WHERE YOU HAVE DAILY MASSAGES FROM DEVIL WOMEN THAT ARE ALL CLONES OF ME!!! Gahhhh!!!

So, after I spazzed out an exploded... I gave him a hug. Oh, I got close to him. I buried my head in his chest. I went to the very boundary of a hug. And, at the end of the night...

he....

winked...

at....

ME!!

BOO-YEAAH! Leticia McKenzie is back in the running! She is holding the lead with only a few sorry, wayward college girls for competition! She will have this man in her bedroom (or, well, at least in a fancy restaurant) before you can say, well, um... "you're fired for dating the youth here."

Ohhh shit.

If anybody's got bottles of chocolate soy milk and Japanese romance comics they can send me, I'm going to need a lot of them for this to work...

I'm going to have to think of the most elaborate plan! Some how I will get him. I may end up having to dissassemble him piece by piece and then only be able to put him back together in a sexy nurse outfit and using an ironing board, but I'll do it.

Trust me.

Have I ever lied to you?
Comments:
Uh... Maybe I'm sounding stupid, but 18's legal for what exactly?

And yeah, good luck 'n all. ^_^
 
Not to rub it in - but in the UK, you're legal at 16. And allowed to drink at 18, not 21. Though bizarrely, you're allowed to have sex at 16, but only allowed to buy pornography at 18. Surely it would be the other way round, so you could get some idea of what to do? The mind boggles...
 
Yeah.. in australia I was legal at 16 as well... so it's ironic that, at 18, I have a 15 year old boyfriend...

why me
 
You know what? You can all die. Painful, horrible deaths.

And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
 
i understand that pain.. that is, if you are scared of doing anything illegal, or just wish to suffer by the grand rules... here is my plan for you. kidnap the HIV screener guy, show him print-outs of your blog, tell him how SERIOUS this matter is, that you be immediatly pleasured beyond preportions and that the whole reason he's so desirable is how absolutely NO-NO it would be, 17, being torn apart by this public sexual service technician... if you manage to turn him on big time, you can walk away with the prize leticia.. and the prize is this: don't ever write about it! seriously! this is going to sound a bit looney, but maybe it'll click and jive with your evolutionary blogger rushkoffian new-world-order: the only freedom who have is that which you do not tell. if you wrote about it on leticia's blog, you wouldn't be able to sleep at night, you'd be shaking. hence: your eager anger to post you plans online. seriously, whatever happens, ENJOY IT for yourself! oh, and to tell to those fair lads (or maidens) who grace enough to share your bedside in a blissfull night of things you were never going to tell anybody. my first girlfriend told me that she had sex with a teacher. several times. she was 19 i think, or younger... i don't remember, i can check for you if you want (we're on great terms). anyway, when she told me about that i felt so special like i was the only one who know this about her. now, it doesn't matter. you don't know me, and you don't know her and lots of people have fantasies about teachers and somethings just happen. so whatever happens, enjoy it!

oh, and here is a sad story. i was in the hospital recently to give my grandmother blood. she didn't need it, but she had used lots and we wanted to give some pure family gold back to the local community. we actually felt like they were getting some good blood from us germs there in spain. crazy thought, probably a normal biologicial thought. ANYWAY, the girl servicing the blood was very cute, and i had a great time flirting with her. until, it came down to the question i had been dreading. last time i wanted to donate blood i was a virgin. my liver count was too high (too much soda pop probably). this time, i had had unprotected sex within the year. yes me and my girlfriend were having unprotected sex. the rational was: she was demanding it (kids), and I knew she couldn't bear any (she didn't eat enough and was way too nervous--she didn't have her period once while i knew her, unless she lied about it because it's emberassing--that could be, too). Anyway, long story short, GO FOR THE GUY AT THE HIV THING, i know how that feels! AND THEN DON'T TELL US! :-) then you have no reason not to try it! he certainly won't go losing his job over it.

-- philster says never kiss and tell
 
on second thought, i wouldn't watch any more fox news. it's like having steak for dinner! seriously, it's sensory overload and clearly makes you honry. only to be expected by the bushy news media. i say eat celery, prepare for hard realities, vote kerry!

steak or celery? bush or kerry? most americans prefer steak to celery. t-bone, texas BBQ steak... fuck the celery, i'll see if i'm still hungry after the potatoes! and those decisions are based on Foxnews. and if that isn't far out... i don't know what is! don't feel bad if your mind wanders. you're probably on a mind-wandering news channel. don't forget about the power stick! the remote control. :-)
 
No, I don't watch any TV news; print news is a lot easier to digest and doesn't make you grossly uninformed about the world. (I recognize I'm being self-righteous, but it takes a lot less effort to pick up a paper from the porch and read it than to wait until 11:00 to hear some talking heads tell you about Osama bin Laden and surfing squirrels.) I was watching Outfoxed, a documentary about Fox News. 'Tis quite good. Recommended. (Warning though, it's mostly interviews, which is very effective but it's definately not thrill-a-minute Michael Moore filmmaking)

However, I do read the blogs, which are, of course, incredibly knee-jerk and sensationalist... but you do get a kick out of them, since nobody in the blogosphere is intimidated by the White House or feels the need to be in the Media Cool Club.
 
I should add, though, that if I _had_ been watching Fox News, I would have been sedated into La-La land much more quickly. I think I'd be watching HIV Testing Man beat the crap out of Bill O'Rielly for touching me.
 
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