Sunday, January 23, 2005

This has been too long to stay away from a blog.

Here's stuff I wrote earlier:

"I was young, I was arrogant. I suppose I'm still young, and I'm still arrogant. But, blogging is a drug, and I do feel a wondrous rush when I slip on my Leticia McKenzie identity and return to my fountain of youth, where everything isn't going to hell around me and I can pretend that I'm not an adult, about to pick a university and a career and all those crazy adult things.

Do you know what I hate about adults? Do you know what I particularly loathe about them? They do not have fun. On principle. There's a contract that you sign with God upon turning 26 that says, 'Starting on this day, I shall be bitter, cyncial, and say everything was best in 1936 before we invented all this high-tech mumbo jumbo. I will be mean to my coworkers. I will support TV shows with names like Crossfire and Hardball. I will invade foreign countries. I will be a real person by killing other people. I will read books about how to be snide to those around you. I will foster a culture of inhumanity. I will not be a part of the problem, but never a part of the solution. I will be a brick in the wall.'

No, that's not what I hate about adults. Do you want to know what I really hate about adults? Smacktalk! We, somewhere in the deepest recesses of Jane Goodall's lost Darwinian experiment called high school, invented the culture of bonding, where a group of people with something in common share it for the good of all. You talk. You are open. YOU ARE NICE. This doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't happen much in high school, mind you. But it never happens in college. It doesn't happen in the Real World, the cutthroat society where one bad business move and you're finished. There, you slime. You sneer. You insult. You tear down. You be mean! Kill or be killed, it's the American Way. It's the Bush Doctrine. We apply it every day of our lives here in the fifty states, and I imagine, it extends even beyond the borders of the Greatest Nation that Ever Existed. It happens every day. Just watch it. It's coming to consume us all.

Now, really, I can't imagine that the adult world is this bad. I mean, the shining examples of adulthood that are presented before me (say, for instance, the PRESIDENT OF THE FREAKING UNITED STATES) make a philosophy of shooting first and asking questions later, and, I mean, every film hero I ever saw focused on shooting people and letting God sort them out, but, I mean, there must be some vestige, some place for me where people aren't primarily occupied with finding their next victim to allow themselves to move up in life.

Maybe, now that I'm leaving high school, I'm being let out of the tiny Darwinian experiment and let into the huge one. The first one was training. Now I get to see the bright big world, with all its greed and corruption, all its mayhem and slaughter, all its ill will and meanness and... and... just the simple idea that you are more important than everyone else, period. I mean, I know we all follow that rule given our human failings and the fact that we're looking out from inside our own heads, but... but... we don't have to make a way of life out of it...

I'm freaking way the hell out because I tried to start picking a college recently. I really, really did. I'm like, "Okay, Ms. Leticia McKenzie, you're going to start picking a college. You're not going to be behind, no sir-ee, you're going to Grade A Liberal Arts College with good programs in X, X, and X." I talk to the entire college counseling center and not only am I universally treated like a dimwit, but nobody likes my idea of picking a college high-school style, based on, you know, what I'm looking for in a college. (That is, good programs in X, X, and X.) I need to pick a major, they all say. A career. A direction in life. Where am I going? Hell if I know, my proudest accomplishment is a blog about my sexual fantasies. So I have to do some reflection exercises. Find out what kind of a person I am, besides the kind of person who wants to blow up the counseling department and then dance on its ashes. I need to know, because the cutthroat adult world is waiting.

I do something sad. Hear me out. When I've had a bad day, I run into my room and leap under my covers and don't come out for hours at a time. It's easy to while away the time under my covers, which may as well be weighed down by a boulder for all the ease I have in lifting them. Well, that's how I'm feeling right now. I come back to the blog that I thought I'd never return to, because I'm more mature than that.

I've died without this space. I don't have any friends as good as the ones I met here. I wanna cry about this. There's nobody who honestly want to hear what I have to say than some of the people I've met here. I... I don't know how to thank you for all this. Especially since, with the big adult world upon me, I feel increasingly pressured to leave all this behind and never come back to Leticia McKenzie."

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